Kuki vs Jason
by Bloody Simpson Chibi
Summary: A sweet but painfully stupid catgirl and her friends go to a summer camp to prepare it for business but what they thought would be a weekend of partying, drugs, and sex turns into a massacre when Jason rises from the lake. Rated T CRACKFIC.


**Kuki vs Jason**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Friday the 13th**

"The wheels on the bus go round and round and round and round and round and round and...uh...round and round and-

"Kuki! Please keep quiet! I'm trying to read." Doka shouted.

"Oops. Sorry Doka" Kuki's ears curled sadly as she said this.

"It's okay." Doka smiled and went back to reading. She, Kuki, and the others were assigned to prepare Camp Diamond Water for it's grand opening a week from now. The pay seemed fair and it would give the group a free camping experience. Not everyone was a thrilled as Doka and Kuki though.

"I can't believe Daddy's making me spend the week in the stinking woods without any TV, Snapchat, or Pumpkin Spice Lattes." Scalene whined. "What a pain."

"Don't worry." The Loxo twins said in unison. "We have Kuki and Doka to torment all week!"

Scalene smiled. "Thanks girls. That cheers me right up.

"Not to mention that you girls get to see my pecks." Atlas flexed for the unimpressed ladies as the bus pulled to a stop, causing him to fall on his ass. Everyone laughed.

"Alright kids. Get the fuck off my bus and don't you tell anyone about what go's on here. You're all fucked!" The bus driver shouted as he literally kicked everyone off the bus and sped off.

"He seemed nice." Kuki said as she dusted herself off.

The group spent the day doing work around the camp or at least that what they _thought_ they were doing. In reality, Kuki was playing wrestle with a leaf that had found and was losing, Atlas was flexing and showing his muscles to no one, Scalene was going around the camp with her phone, trying to find some bars, The Loxo twins were talking in there weird twin language and Maxie had fainted from heatstroke. Only Moko-Senpai and Doka were doing any work.

At last night came and everyone gathered around the campfire.

"And when he went back to the fridge, there was nothing there!" Kuki screamed at the top of her lungs from the conclusion of her own scary story but nobody else was shaken.

"That story is so lame." Sai, one of the Loxo Twins said. "Me and Mai have a much better story. The twins looked at each other and smiled then they shouted in unison. "The Legend of Crystal Lake!"

"Are you really gonna tell the story in unison?" Doka asked.

"Yes. A long time ago at Camp Crystal Lake, which by the way is totally not far from here, there was a old lady named Pamela Voorhees and her butt-ugly son Jason. Jason was mentally challenged or whatever and he drowned in the lake because the counselors that were supposed to be watching him were off having bad sex. Pamela went crazy and killed all the counselors except for one who cut her head clean off." Mai made a slicing motion with her finger across her neck.

Kuki was frightened. "Her head!? But she needs that!"

"In a twist of shitty storytelling however, it turned out that Jason was still alive and now he kills anyone who comes to his woods."

Kuki and Moko let out a sigh of relief.

"Which extend to the very woods we are in right now!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Moko fainted.

"Don't worry guys." Mai said. "It's only a story. There no such thing as Jaso-"

Out of nowhere, A man in a hockey mask wielding a machete jumped out of the woods. Everyone screamed and tripped over each other trying to run away except for the twins who were laughing there asses off and the man in the mask who took it off to reveal himself as...

"Atlas!?" Doka shouted.

"Hah! Hah!" I so got you!" He jeered.

"You jerk!" Scalene shouted."

"Yeah!" Moko said. "Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta change my pants for no reason at all." Everyone except for Atlas and the Loxo twins left the campsite.

"That was great!" Sai said.

"Yeah!" Mai agreed. "We totally scared the pants off of them."

Atlas walked up to the Loxo twins with a perverse look in his eyes. "Alright ladies, I did my part like you said, now it's time for my payment."

The Loxo twins looked at each other in disgust of what they were about to do but sighed heavily because they had no choice. "Alright!" They said in unison. "Let's go into the woods.

"Alright!" Atlas shouted as he wrapped his arms around the girls and the trio went off into the woods, completely unaware that they were being watched.

* * *

Awww! Yeah!" Atlas was backed against the tree as the Loxo twins wasted no time getting on they're knees and getting to work." Oh yeah" Oh yeah! That's it. Right there. Whoa! Easy, Oh yeah just like that annnnnnnd, yeaaaaaahh! (pant pant pant pant.) Thanks for tying my shoes girls.

Sai and Mai were just finishing the last knots when he said this.

"Your welcome Atlas." Sai said playfully.

"Don't tell anyone about this." Mai added.

"It'll be our dirty little secret." Atlas promised as the twins headed back to camp. He lit up a cigarette.

"Ahhh. Nothing like hot chicks tying your shoes because you never learned how." Suddenly, Atlas heard a sound.

"Ki-Ki-Ki, Ma-Ma-Ma."

"What the hell was that? A owl or something?"

He became very unnerved.

"I better get out of here." Atlas began walking back to the camp but then he crashed into a tall man. As Atlas looked up, he saw a giant man with a hockey mask on his face and a machete in his hand.

"Moko? Is that you?" Atlas asked as he picked himself up?" You little weenie! You don't scare me with that stupid mask!"

The man said nothing. When Atlas tried to walk past him however, he stepped in his way.

"Alright! Here comes tha pain!" Atlas tried to punch the man in his face but broke his fist on his mask!"

"Owwwww! What the fuck?" Before Atlas could strike again, the man sliced his head clean off with the machete. It took off flying and went through a old basketball hoop. The killer raised his arms in victory and retreated back to the woods.

* * *

The next morning, everyone woke up early to began "working" again but then they noticed that Atlas was not there.

"Where's Atlas? Doka asked.

"Who cares? Let's concentrate on the real issue like the fact tHAT I DON'T HAVE ANY FUCKING SERVICE!" Scalene threw herself done on the ground and started throwing a tantrum while everyone looked in disgust.

"We'll go look for him. Not because we were the last to see him or anything." The Loxo Twins headed to the forest.

"Doesn't that seem suspicious Kuki?...Kuki?"

Kuki didn't hear Doka because she had a peanut butter jar stuck on her head.

"halp doka"

...

"Maybe a bear ate Atlas and then pooped him out into the woods."

"Sai you are so gross!" The Loxo twins were walking through the woods pretending to look for Atlas but in reality, they just didn't want to do any work

"Maybe he found a wild boar and decided to-"

(SPLAT!)

Sai looked down at the mess she stepped in expecting for it moose poop or something of that sort but instead it was red and gooey. Mai screamed at the top of her lungs as she pointed to the headless corpse of Atlas and Sai found herself screaming as well.

The screams alerted Jason to their location and he bisected them both. Sai's top half and Mai's top half each fell on the other's body.

"Man, I hate nature." Then they both died.

* * *

It was evening and the what was left of the group was around the campfire.

"Have the Loxo twins come back yet?" Doka asked.

"Does it look like they came back?" Scalene scoffed.

Maybe Jason killed them and if that's true.." Moko was too scared to finish his sentence.

"It means he's coming for us next!" Both Maxie and Moko cried out in terror."

"Oh come on guys! Don't tell me you actually believe that stupid story. There's no such thing as an undead serial killer, right Kuki...Kuki?"

"Sorry Doka I wasn't listening. I'm too busy playing with this ugly rock I found."

"Ugly rock? What are you- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

In Kuki's hands was no rock but Atlas's severed head. Everyone screamed.

"OMG! KUKI IS THE KILLER!" Scalene cried. "CRUCIFY HER!"

"She's not the killer." Doka groaned. "Kuki doesn't have the heart (or the brains) for that."

"Yeah. I found this in the woods."

"It dosen't matter!" Moko cried. "We're all gonna die!"

"No we're not." Doka shouted. "Okay. Let's just agree that for the moment, there is a killer out there, Jason or otherwise. Me and Kuki will go to the cabin with phone and try to call the police. The rest of you try to see if you can fix that car over there that doesn't have a battery, gas or keys for some reason."

Everyone split up.

* * *

When Kuki and Doka reached the cabin, the latter noticed that the phone box was broken.

"Dammit!" Doka turned to Kuki. "Kuki, go inside and look for anything that might make a good weapon while I try to fix the phone."

"Why do you get to fix the phone?" Kuki whined.

"Because I have a much higher repair stat."

"What?"

"Nothing! Just go inside!"

Kuki went into the cabin and looked around for a good weapon. She opened a drawer and went through the objects inside.

She held up a fire poker. "Nope." She threw it away.

Next, she picked up a bat. "Nah." She tossed it aside.

Finally, she picked up a shotgun, prying it from the dead body of a man with a blue jacket and a pig splitter in his head.

"Oh boy! A PEZ dispenser." Just as she was about to put the gun in her mouth, Doka entered the cabin. "I fixed the phone now we just have to call the poli-" Doka noticed Kuki with the gun in her mouth. "Uh...I'll hold the gun."

A short while later, Doka was calling the police.

"Hello. 9-1-1, What's your emergency?"

"Hello me and my friends are at Camp Diamond Water and we-

"Camp Diamond Water? There's no Camp Diamond Water."

"What do you mean? We're here right now. The broken down camp near the big lake."

"The only place around there like that is Crystal Lake."

"Who cares!? The point is there's a killer on the loose and he's going to-

"klick"

"Hello? Hello?"

Suddenly, the girls heard a crash from the front door of the cabin.

"It's him! Kuki! Hide in the closet!" Kuki did as she was told while Doka crawled under the nearest bed. Just then, Jason entered the room. Doka covered her mouth and did her best not to make a sound but that didn't help when Kuki sneezed from inside the closet. Jason heard the sound and began walking toward Kuki's hiding place.

"God dammit Kuki!" Doka crawled out from under the bed and shot Jason in the back, causing him to fall backwards. Kuki climbed out of the closet as Doka took her hand. They both ran out of the cabin.

* * *

"Come on you stupid gas! Get in the fucking car!" Scalene shouted.

"Maybe it would help if you opened the gas cap." Maxie said as she put the battery in.

"...I knew that."

Moko-senpai rushed toward the two with keys in hand. "I found the keys." He gave them to Scalene just as she finished filling the car up.

"This is great." Maxie exclaimed. "Now all we have to do is get in the car and-" Scalene mowed Maxie down as she rushed toward the exit.

"So long fuckers!" She shouted. "Now for some tunes."

She turned up the radio and Killer by Crazy Lixx was playing."

" _The body's still warm but the lights have all escaped."_

"Eww! I don't wanna listen to that 80's crap. Let's see if Despacito is playing. She only fiddled with the radio for a few seconds before crashing into a tree. Before she could get her bearings, Jason grabbed her hair and pulled her out.

"Ouch! Hey watch the hair!"

Jason threw Scalene down and sliced her arms off with his machete before striking a final blow to her head. He wrenched his machete out and walked towards the camp.

* * *

Doka and Kuki ran into the camp only to find the car missing, Maxie flattened into a pancake and Moko with urine trickling down his pants.

"Moko! Where's the car?" Doka shouted.

"Scalene took it." He cried.

"Great! Now we have to think of another plan. Let's hide in the main building for now." The remaining three campers ran inside the main building and barricaded the door.

"I think we're going to be okay." Doka said.

Just then, the lights went out, causing everyone to scream.

"HOLYSHITWEREGONNADIE!" Moko shrieked.

"Calm down!" Doka shouted. "Even if Jason's out there, it'll take him a while to cut through the door."

Just then Jason rammed into the house.

"You were saying?"

As Jason closed in on the group, Kuki noticed his hockey mask for the first time.

"Holy Tamales! He's a hockey player!"

"I don't think that's it." Doka shouted. Kuki didn't hear her. A puff of smoke engulfed Kuki and when it dispersed, She was wearing hockey gear. Jason tilted his head in confusion.

"Four!" Kuki began launching puck after puck at Jason. The sports equipment overwhelmed Jason and brought him to his knees, the last puck knocking his mask off. Kuki, Doka, and Moko got a good look at his deformed face before he fell to the ground. Moko fainted.

"Oh my gosh! He has THE UGLY!" Kuki shouted. "Just as Spongebob foretold!"

Doka and Kuki ran out of the cabin with a unconscious Moko being dragged behind them into the woods. After a while, they got to a decrepit cabin. When they went to look inside, they found a mummified women's head and a old sweater.

"If the Loxo twins story was true, this must be Jason's mother Pamela." Doka deduced.

"Where's her body?" Kuki asked. "Is it at a bodyshop?"

Just as Doka was about to explain to Kuki everything that was wrong with that sentence, They heard Jason coming toward the cabin.

"Holy shit!" Doka shouted "We have to think of something quick Kuki...Kuki?

Jason, now wearing a potato sack over his head, broke into the cabin, ready to cut Doka into ribbons with her machete when suddenly...

" _Jason Voorhees! What do you think you're doing?"_ Kuki, now wearing Pamela's sweater, spoke in a very scratchy voice. " _Bulling little boys and girls when you should be doing your homework. That is not how I raised you. Now go sit in the corner and think about what you've done."_

Doka facepalmed herself and expected to be cut in half but when nothing happened, she opened her eyes and saw Jason sitting in the corner, his head down.

"What the?"

Before Doka could comprehend what just happened, Kuki grabbed her hand and led her out of the cabin.

* * *

"I can't believe that worked!" Doka exclaimed as she dragged Moko along the road. "How did you know that would work Kuki?"

"Behind every great man is a greater Mom." Kuki said.

"Wow! I never thought I would say this but Kuki, I think you're getting smarter...Kuki?"

Kuki's head was once again stuck in a peanut butter jar.

"halp doka."

"...yeah nevermind."

Meanwhile, Jason was still sitting in that corner.

 **The End**


End file.
